A confession....

You know what.

I am afraid.

From the moment I get out of bed, until the moment I fall asleep.

I am afraid.

I am afraid of not meeting expectations imposed on me by others or society.

I am afraid that I am too stagnant in my lifestyle and behaviour that I fall behind in the world. But...

I am also afraid that I'm changing too often to be sticking with something long enough to get good at it.

I am afraid of mediocrity, although mediocre people can live significant and interesting lives. At the same time, I am afraid of succeeding, and having to deal with the attention that it brings.

I am afraid of being right, of the sense of responsibility that being right carries.

All points above are however completely unrelated to fear. There is no fear associated to them.
But rather, they are all caused by anxiety.
While many may be familiar with the difference between the two, I was not.

• Fear is immediate, something that happens in the moment as a reaction to an immediate threatening situation.
• Anxiety, on the other hand, is derived from a subjective idea - that the current situation will develop into a threatening situation which will trigger a fear response at some point in the future. 

Fear is a response to the external, but anxiety is a product of the mind.
This is why anxiety makes everything so much harder, as we are always more inclined to believe in the conclusions we arrive to ourselves.
Because of our upbringing/education - and partly evolution - our minds are used to the idea of assessing a situation for risk and reward at an early stage.
The optimal idea, highly influenced by business practices, is to make the assessment as soon as possible - in order to predict whether the investment will yield a desired and appropriate reward.
If the prediction is unfavourable, we tend to consider it a bad investment and move on.
Don't get me wrong, it is a very good method when you are looking to reach a specific goal - but when it comes to something on a larger scale, this approach no longer seems suitable as the amount of variables increases exponentially.

"It's worth it!" or "Nah, too much effort."
This is where most people's thoughts stop, but for me it often keeps going.
"So it's not worth the effort here, but if I do it anyway, what else may it lead to? How far would this have to go in order for the reward to be equal to the effort?"

While a good skill to have in certain situations, this one alone seems to be a fast track to anxiety. Because all of a sudden you realize that even though it's not worth it now, you find that the next step would make it worth it - but it would introduce a new variable which may hold negative consequences to the people it involves. At this point, it would mean that the sense of responsibility, effect and scale would have to be considered, as well as additional upscaling of the venture itself.

To give a more concrete example; when learning to code/setting up a website.

- What if I successfully create an awesome site and get a good response from people?
- Will I have to provide additional content to keep it up?
- Do I have to set up a business plan in order to make the most of it? (After all, this is what society and business is built on, right?)
- What if I the business needs to branch out, where do I go from there?
- What if I need help from other people, will I need to set up some kind of HR department to hire a few workers?
- How much legalese do I have to speak to be able to do all of the above?

All of a sudden, you're going from the situation of "learning to code" to the imagined situation of "running a company supporting multiple websites/apps" in an instant.
No wonder it gets overwhelming and anxiety builds up - because deep inside, you're still that same kid who climbed trees and solved puzzles - not a CEO of a company with obligations to its investors.

The feeling of incapability and the imagination of things going quickly out of hand, without a prepared way of handling anything that comes along. It's definitely a fast track to anxiety and potentially paralyzing fear, as the imagined scenario is overwhelming in the current moment.

So in the end, past all of this, it comes down to one thing;

I am afraid of the unknown.

But every morning (or sometimes mid-day/afternoon) I still wake up and get out of bed.
To do the one thing that reduces the notion of anxiety and fear; getting to know the unknown.
To see how the actual experience is, compared to the one imagined in my mind.

With this said, I want to express my gratitude to all of the people who I have encountered during this year, for however brief, or awkward, it may have been. (Yes, even you, rude host who attempted to make fun of me at a contest.)
You have helped me along this path, whether you have realized it or not - and I greatly appreciate it - for where I am now, feels more interesting than where I was a year ago.

Most importantly, I am grateful for you helping me find, and learn to listen to, that gut feeling/inner voice/intuition. (Whichever people prefer to call it)
I know that most people may not see it as anything special, as most people learn to listen to it very early. But let's face it, I'm mainly an intuitive thinker, I spend a lot of time in my head. So it does take some time/effort to get out of it and appreciate the world of senses and feelings. (I'm not saying I'm fully there, but I'm definitely a few steps closer.)

I still have no idea where this journey is going and when I will end up where, but I am eager to find out - and I'm happy that you have been a part of it.

With that said, I want to finish this post off with something a very interesting person taught me.

I'm afraaaaaaaid.
But I'm gonna do it anywaaaaaay!
<step forward>
HUUURGH!

Mayday!

And so the time keeps going - it's May already and I feel I haven't been writing nearly as much as I have wanted to. On the other hand, there have been plenty of other things that held my interest.

One of them being work - as it happens when you work with incredibly large products.

So without further ado, I will have to ask a favour.

Click this moose - for science and great justice!

Or - you can also click this cat - also for science and great justice!

(I'm actually working on testing out a few features within Google Analytics, so that I can tame this beast of a program.)

New year, new ideas, new directions

Well well, hello there again!

It has been a long time, I haven't been writing for a few months. This, of course, has got its reasons - it is a story in itself, of which I will merely graze the surface.

Though I will mention one thing, the time of silence has been useful.
When I finished my challenge for 2012, I was left with the very common question:

What's next?

A question I sure spent a lot of time on.
A question I couldn't escape.
A question that, even when I was reading books and articles on , I seemed to be coming back to.

Before I forget, I would like to write it down. Makes it easier to have a running dialogue with oneself...and others, that way. :)

With all that I have read and done in the past months, I keep seeing a recurring pattern.

It is something that really struck a chord when I was having a discussion with my flatmate. She mentioned something very, very interesting.

While this can not be confirmed nor does it have grounds in any of the  

commonly agreed upon beliefs, it is something that sounded yet oh-so-right.

 "Perhaps life is about creation - and admiring other people's creations."

Take this as you wish, but it definitely struck a chord. I came to agree with it, mainly because we all appreciate creativity and creations.

As people, we are all creative, in one way or another. Some people excel at painting, some at music, while others have an incredible ability to make amazingly tasty food. But don't you for a second think that creativity is limited to what is commonly referred to as "art", regardless of what a dictionary says. 

The term seems way too restrictive, it was defined in an age when distancing yourself from others was fashion and a status symbol. I'd really, really like to add the following, as a definition. That art is:

"The creation of something which, through stimulation of one or more senses, causes an emotional reaction in the beholder."

Because in the end, this is what everything that is currently considered art does. This is why we refer to good food as pieces of art and this is why something as uncommon as extremely over-weight models are considered artistic.

Just because some people do not like what they see, doesn't mean it isn't art. Contrary to popular belief, the opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.

Coincidentally, the only way for a creation to not be artistic is by not causing an emotional reaction.

Yet again, coincidentally, the people we seem to value and appreciate the most are the people who are able to take us on emotional rollercoaster rides. (Actors, directors, public figures. We all met them in one form or another. They all share this trait.)

At this point, do you think these are all coincidences? Well, I do not.

This is where I stumbled upon another interesting question:

"How much of my time is spent consuming things other people created (TV, music, video games, websites) versus creating my own? Because only one of these adds to your own perceived value" 

It has a point, a very good point, I realized. Regardless of how much we appreciate the creations of others, it does not add any value to us (not in the eyes of ourselves, nor others) until we are able to apply it to a creation of our own. Because what we are, and what we have on the inside, only matters because of what it makes us do.

Thus, in the end, it really doesn't matter what we do - as long as we do something. 

As long as what we do benefits someone, even if that someone is yourself.

With the theory and introduction out of the way, it is time to bring in the ideas!

Time is up!

And so the time is up. Birthday was celebrated successfully, in a nostalgic fashion, and the deadline for the challenge has been reached.

"So what is the verdict?", you may ask.

I was also curious, thus I stepped on the scales on the morning of the 26th to see the following number:

108 kg

One could think I was disappointed - but to be honest, it went according to my expectations.
There is one quote I have adapted from Paul Arden, when it comes to the topic of personal goals:

"Aim for the stars and you may end up on a hill."

Most motivationalists will tell you something like this. In order to achieve something, you have to dream big. So even though losing 45 kg would be amazing within 7 months, I am not disappointed with it being 37 - considering the efforts and how little I actually had to change throughout this time.

To put it into perspective - what do 37 kg actually mean when your weight is 100+?


T-shirt:
XXL, tight fit   - >   XL, comfortable fit (L, tight fit)

Shirt: 
Size 18.5 neck   - >   Size 17 neck

Pants:
44  (tight fit)  - >   38 (comfortable fit) - 36 (tight fit)


With these numbers, I am down to the weight I was before I left for Ireland for the first time in 2007. Those of you who remember me in high school, this is my size once again. But a somewhat more fit shape.





Thus, it means I got another present - my old wardrobe of clothes that have not fit for a few years!
As well as this makes shopping a lot more fun nowadays, as most shops now have more items in my size. :D :D

 Let the shopping spree begin!

But this is no way to say that it is over, just because the target time has passed...
More on this once I am back from Oslo.

Catching up

Wow, time flies when you're having fun....and now, I have been having a lot of fun.

I sure hope it is because of the fun, would be scary to think otherwise.

So I guess it is time to break the silence and share a few details (for those of you who aren't following me on FB/G+ ;) of what I have been up to in the recent months.

Travels and adventure!

It all started off with Malta, as mentioned in a previous post, where we went to get our diving certificates. A lot of fun, adrenaline rushes and kicks were had.

Ever tried being 18 meters below the surface, inside the wreck of a sunken ship? No?

It should be tried, it is a very unique experience.

 I'm not claustrophobic, but let's say it did get me on my toes.

But in the end we have been certified to dive down to 18 meters!

Next step would be the advanced course and certification for 40 meters.

A much more detailed version, with pictures, can be found here, in the diving post conveniently hidden in the past.

The return to Ireland ended up being quite short. A few days in Dublin and a few days spent in Cork - and then it took off to Amsterdam and the festival that is Sensation White.
This was only topped by the fact that my family decided to make a spontaneous surprise road trip down to Amsterdam.

"So now you know why I like doing things on a whim!"

Sights were seen, tours were taken and pancakes of different kinds were eaten!
We did also to visit Madame Tussaud's while in Amsterdam. I must say, it was not as impressive as some people may think it is. For me, it only gave a realization of how short famous people actually are.
I don't know why, but it did surprise me that people were actually taking pictures with the wax statues of celebrities.

"I mean, I can understand if it was Lenin, Churchill or Rembrandt....but Robbie Williams and Victoria Beckham?"

Though...at one point I realized that even I had to take a picture. The internet made me do it!

End of June update!

Things keep on happening and life keeps on moving.
I have so much I wish to write about but I just have not had time, between all the events.
Then once again, I find myself in a place where there's a flight waiting to take me to Amsterdam - and with it, Sensation White, for which I am bringing my amazing prop - the horse.

But before I go,  I just quickly need to post an update on my progress.

The new weight total for end of June was on the stunning 116 kg!

See, tracker is already updated! ->

As you know, I have been vacationing throughout June. This time it was also a lot of workout, as well as relaxation - to the point where I though I might not have gone down at all. But I did! :D

There's a food and workout log waiting to be posted, but that has to wait for when I return, as now I got to run and catch a flight!

Enjoy the weekend, everyone!

Anchor Bay - dive three

The sun was still shining bright in the sky as we made our final descent into the waters of Anchor Bay.

This time, the exercise was to perform an emergency ascent.

"You know, for those situations, should you run out of air."

This, I must say was trickier than it sounds.

Task:

• Ascend to the surface.
• Exhale while swimming up.
• Blow up your BCD vest manually once on the surface.
• Perform during a medium current.

First, I didn't actually realize how long time it takes to swim up, even if this was only at 11 meters. Then on top of this, you have to keep exhaling on your way up, at a pace that is fast enough to ensure your lungs don't get ruptured by the expanding air, but at the same time slow enough for the air to last you all the way up.
I must admit, even though I thought it would be easy, I had to try it a few times to get it right.

First attempt, I ended up accidentally inhaling a bit of water - struck by a minor panic and grabbed for the instructor's spare regulator.

"Alright, safe, nerves are back under control - let's go again!"

This time, I made it up. But - completely out of air. Exhaled a bit too fast. Ending up hitting the surface, grasping for air - getting some in but due to the waves, a bit of water as well.

"Two seconds, three - stability. I keep afloat."

"Next step, get more air and inflate the BCD. But remember not to inhale any of the air that may possibly be in there!"

Taking a few breaths, I managed to get it inflated and finally floating in the water. Now was the first time I could breathe properly, without having to worry about water.

This whole scenario took perhaps about 10-20 seconds - but it felt waaaay longer. You start reacting very instinctively when you're out of air...and instinctive may not always be the best way.

"Good thing it was a part of the exercise, as next time the reactions and feelings were different!"

Once all was said and done, we continued our exploration of the bottom - just to make a stop at a small rock formation.

I thought to myself, what is this?

That's when our instructor moved one of the stones and two tiny eyes stuck up through the hole. Just looking at us. Turning from one person to the other.

Then suddenly - a tentacle comes out and grabs the stone that was moved. Holds it and pulls it back to the rock formation.

At this point, I could imagine there being a speech bubble saying: "This one is mine, thank you!"

I may dare to say that it even looked - cute.

"Yeah, I went there!"

 

Yeah, it was a small octopus who took shelter during the sunlight, waiting for the sun to set and the water turn darker.

We decided to leave it alone to rest. After all, we were there to watch, not to disrupt the marine life.

Following this incident, I decided to pay even more attention to the bottom. That's when the crazy fishes seemed to appear. Some were moving along the bottom. Some were flat, manta-style while others were apparently sliding along the bottom on their side.

"To be honest, I'm just intrigued as you as to why they would do that! :o"

 Fishes that really didn't care about us.

Jellyfish in various colours.

Then we also stumbled upon this amazing thing.

It is awesome because of the way it looks.

A small shell, moving slowly along the bottom of the sea. The instructor picked it up, just as he did, we could see the pincers disappearing into the shell.

After holding it for a moment, we could see the pincers come back out and so did the head. Was incredible to see something like this up close, in reality, instead of an aquarium.

After putting the shell back on the bottom, we kept looking at it for a few minutes - seeing what would happen - and it did happen!

The crab got the legs out and - with speed unexpected from such a small creature, in water to boot - it ran off, stirring up a small cloud of sand behind it.

I chuckled to myself and we continued swimming.

Then I saw it, there it was! Just looking at me, poking for my attention. A white and red sea shell, reflecting the light through the water. As if it was calling me in, like a siren's song.

"I'll take that, it will be my souvenir from this!"

Once again, we came out to the streamy part and we had to cross the current to get back to the jetty.

I don't know if it was the tiredness, the CO2 build-up from three consecutive dives or just my eyes, but I could swear that the bottom was moving back and forth beneath me, not that we were moving forward. Think "corky house" attraction in a theme park. (Lustiga huset in Swedish)

But in the end - we made it back.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what an OWD-certified diver may look like!